The Meaning of Joy

I am a funny person. That statement may seem at best obvious boasting, and at worst inaccurate, self-promoting arrogance. I prefer to think of it as....simply humble and honest....  I'll give you a moment to compose yourself...

BUT! It seems that my humor of late has been misinterpreted as denial or idiocy. Not so. In fact, there is a lot of reality and smartness in me. To that end, let me clarify a few things...

Please don't mistake my humor as not taking this disease seriously. I have nearly constant reminders that there is a monster inside me whose end game is to take my life. It reminds me of its presence with pain and weakness in what once was a powerful runner's leg, and with a growing dull ache in my right bicep. I know that within a few months, I will be in a bit of a mess because of radiation and chemo. But I know that God gave me my weird way of looking at things as a weapon against this beast. I laugh when things are funny - and many, many things are funny. I laugh because it helps. Laughter releases endorphins which are the body's God-given pain killers. Humor is an important part of my arsenal.

Please don't mistake my goofy way of looking at things as ignorance of the actual physiology of cancer. I happen to be a lover of science and medicine and was researching all of this before we even talked about it with any others. I understood lesion, metastasis, necrotic, calcification, soft tissue mass - all before knowing that these existed inside me. I'm a very smart girl.

Please don't mistake my calm for complacency. Like any warrior, I need to be focussed and calm in the face of the enemy. To panic or freak gives him (it) a foothold. My mind is preparing for the battle ahead. Calm is from the Lord. Panic....not. But that doesn't mean I sit and wait for the Lord to make phone calls or take tests. I am a compliant, pro-active patient. I push gently when pushing is needed. I respectfully pursue - but never assuming that my case is more important than others like me. I am building what will surely be long relationships with nurses, techs, receptionists, assistants, and doctors. When they see me coming, I want them to see the face of Christ, not a demanding buzz saw. I am a good advocate for myself, but there is something to the "catch more flies with honey than vinegar" philosophy. Being spazzed while I'm in pursuit of records or CD's of scans or the next appointment will do nothing to speed the process, let alone help me in this war.

Please don't mistake my patience for passivity. I am also extremely eager to get this party started, but I appreciate the hard work, diligence, and careful study that these remarkable people are putting into properly treating my cancer. I want them to have the exactly right weaponry. I don't want the doctors to use a bazooka when a pea shooter would do. Or, vice versa. I have been in awe of the responsiveness when I have asked for help, or have needed records. This ain't television, folks, where there is a disease discovered on week, the treatment the next week, and the third week either the patient croaks or has a miraculous recovery (followed, of course, by a dream wedding overlooking some body of water. I digress....a little....). No, this is reality. These tests take time - and I'm not the only game in town. I have said often how I feel treated like a rock star. Well, that's still true. But think of this as the Grammy Awards, where it all full of Paul McCartney's, Mick Jagger's, and Lady Gaga's. We are all rock stars - but sometimes, rock stars have to wait their turn.

Please don't mistake my peace for surrender - at least not to cancer. I do surrender my life to Christ. What He does with it is His choice. But there's a fight, and I believe He will heal me. But it is His choice as to when and how, not mine. There is great peace in that. Philippians 4:7 describes the "peace that passes all understanding", because, frankly, peace in this particular situation seems nonsensical in the eyes of the world. And with the peace, comes joy. Joy!

Finally, let me share about my champion, my hero, my advocate...my husband. Please, never, ever mistake his quiet nature as not caring enough. Don operates with a quiet determination. He is by my side as I travel to every test. He keeps this home running. He still goes to work every day - even though he only wants to spend time with me. Remember the craziness at the Honolulu Airport? Read between the lines. This was a man doing everything possible to care for his bride. He can control nothing of the disease that has invaded his wife's body, but he will leap tall buildings to find the ones who can. And he trusts, trusts, trusts the Living God who holds all of this in His mighty and merciful hands. Don is holding up his end of the vow he took almost 35 years ago. I am not alone.

The meaning of Joy is not happiness. Happiness is dependent on external happenings, situations, moods - more extrinsic. Joy comes from within, separate from situations - more intrinsic. (see, I told ya I was smart). Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit. It is intangible, but so obvious in one who has it. I am not happy about what is going on inside of me. I am not all a-twitter about a bone biopsy and leg surgery and all that this entails. But God has given me joy. It may not make sense, but I feel Him like never before. He uses others around me to tell me how much He loves me. Joy.

So, I covet your prayers. It's an unknown road ahead. But God knows the way. He has given me humor and intelligence and calm and peace and JOY!!

Now, don't make me go all serious on you again....makes my head hurt....