Napili, Part 2 - About a Bed

so... where were we... Ah, yes. We had just found the hardware for our big bed - a bed in which we had not slept for over a year. I should, at this point, give a more accurate description of the Master Suite. I even broke out my tape measure so you can make a scale visual aid, should you so desire.

The overall dimensions of the bedroom are 13'x10'. One wall has a large window, that is 8' across on the 10' wall. The other 10' side has the bathroom door, a small linen closet - which I have now redefined as my shoe/purse/sunglasses closet, and the when the bedroom door is opened, the door is against that same wall. The 13' wall opposite the entrance to the room is the only bare wall. The other 13' wall has the door to the room, plus a wall closet that takes up the remainder of the length. The closet is actually recessed in 18" - which proved to be a lifesaver. So, our bedroom furniture is big. Really big. We acquired back in San Diego when we had ample space to absorb it. The two main space-hogs are the bed and a large armoire that houses the television and two large drawers of my clothing. This beast is 27" deep, and 43" wide. I can't do math, but even I could tell at a glance that there was nowhere for this behemoth to go - except directly in front of the wall closet, thus taking advantage of the 18" recess. Our Master bed would be assembled to fit against the opposite wall. This creature of our comfort is 7' 8" long, 6' 2" wide, with a 7' headboard. Only two of the three 3-drawer chests - measuring 30"x19" - were going to make it in the room, with the third going to live in the guest room with Don's 5-drawer chest.

Having done as much math as I could handle without my ears blowing off the side of my head, the process of assembling our bed began. When I designed this bed, I was a huge fan of TLC's "Trading Spaces". I had also grown up watching my dad make all kinds of things in his garage workshop. This, I concluded, was enough training for me to design, engineer, and construct a massive bed. Before I continue, I must tell you this: while I, as a writer and general smart mouth, have never met a hyperbole with which I have not had an instant love-connection, the recounting of the assembly involved here has not a bit of exaggeration...I'm rather embarrassed to say. So, here are the components for the uber-bed (tropical edition): Headboard: 5 - upholstered panels, 2 - 2 3'x6' plywood panels, 3 - 6' lengths of 1"x2", 4 -7' lengths of 1"x2", 2 - 7' bamboo poles (5" diameter). That's just the headboard. The platform bed has so many different parts that I won't list them all. Suffice to say that after this, I am now an honorary Ikea furniture designer and instruction writer.

There is a particular scientific measure used by experts when evaluating the ease versus difficulty of any given project: the level of frequency and stupidity of the arguments between the assemblers. I think Don and I reached the "I'm-rubber-you're-glue" level of domestic debate before this thing was finally put together. We had no written instructions, just a bunch of arrows and names and numbers on each part, plus a bag of hardware with no "bolt-A-goes-into-Hole-B" type directions. We also had pictures that we had taken as we were dissembling this beautiful monstrosity a year before - but we had no idea where these helpful visual aids might be. But my loving-yet-jinxish husband proclaimed "I remember how it goes. It's not that hard", thus dooming us to be stuck in furniture-building purgatory until the Chargers win a Super Bowl. But God is endlessly merciful. And Jesus was a carpenter. This is the only explanation I have for the bed being built and ready for mattresses.

If you have ever handled a king-sized mattress and boxspring set, you know that they are big and unwieldy in the best of circumstances. We weren't even a blip on the best-of-circumstance radar. Not only did we have to maneuver two rigid twin-sized boxsprings through our super skinny hallway, bend the unbendable around a ninety degree corner, but we had to lift them up and over the monkeypod side and footboards of the bed - WITHOUT touching said boards. These were attached to the platform, but they weren't exactly welded on. We had to do all this twisting and lifting and placing while also not smashing fingers. Boxsprings on, we now moved to getting the big mattress that my tired body was already screaming for. While this beast did not have the flexibility issues of the boxsprings, it was actually harder to move because it was heavy heavy heavy and had worse posture than a gawky 15-year-old after a growth spurt. The thing flopped and sagged as we tried more than once to convince it to just cooperate and get into the room, and then jump itself into proper position. Alas, our pleas did not work, and we were left to wrestle this slouchy giant rectangle onto the platform - with only 17" between the armoire and the footboard to move and shimmy around. Eventually, we managed to wrestle the beast onto its rightful spot on top of the boxsprings. At this point, my beloved was ready to just call it a night and do a face plant onto the now fully assembled - albeit, undressed -bed. I, on the other hand, wanted my bed to be completely dressed and coifed and ready for my tired, yet grateful, frame.

I need to jaunt off this path for a moment, if you don't mind. Well, I'm jaunting, whether you mind or not. When we moved into the little condo In Ka'anapali Shores in December of 2010, we discovered quickly that the bed, while large, had the relative comfort of of concrete slab. In order to make it more comfy, we bought one of those squishy astronauty miracle foam toppers from Costco. Cool. When we left for the mainland in April of 2011, we ran out of storage space, as well as time, in our haste to get out. We left a few things there - a few pots and pans, Don's elegant bathrobe (from Nordstrom, no less - but Don said he didn't need it anyway), and this mattress topper on the bed. Don was very confident that all would be there when we returned - even though at that time, we had no idea when that would be. When we returned five months later, Don still had the key to the place, so we made the quick trip to retrieve what was ours. It was very quick. Oh, the key worked with no problem, even though there was no real need to lock it. The place had been stripped utterly. I guess since they weren't going to get back money from us in the form of rent (refer back to last springs blogs), they took it in goods. Of course, the condition of the furniture and supplies meant that they made enough to pay the homeowner's fees for about a week and a half. But we walked in to a bare naked place and just snooped around. My pots and pans - including a couple of Calphalon skillets - were gone, but in the bathroom were some first aid and miscellaneous OTC medicines, and in the closet were Don's bathrobe and (TA-DA!) the squishy mattress topper!! Of course, this now meant we had to get the bathrobe and the squishy mattress topper into the back of the miniature Subaru SUV that we had rented for our move. But, we retrieved it - Praise God! And now, we had our bed upon which it could lay...ahhh...

So, whipped though we were, we managed to put on our squishy topper, quilted cover, silky soft bottom sheet, silky soft top sheet...and that's all. After all, we live in Maui. But we slept as well and as snugly as we had in over a year. Our bedroom with more furniture than floor was now our little cocoonish space, and we praised God for it.

As we come to the end of this entry, you may ask yourself if you have just read an entire blog about a bed. Yes, yes you have.

Deal with it.